Random Thoughts!

Today on this Saturday of February 2012 , I have been going through lots of thoughts about relationship, family friends, life in general, work .Then I realized there is no one to talk to no one, do nothing. If i wasn't lonely what would I do? lunch with friends or visit family? Well not my family... but would I go out to watch a movie or eat out at a restaurant?, go shopping…… I used to have plenty of such Saturdays but not anymore. Perhaps it really does all comes down to the age thing, or singleton state, perhaps it is just something else. Or it becomes hard to relate with married friends. One by one people got married and slowly but surely were no longer part of my life. I was desperately trying to save my friendship with my friends but the reality was that when I broke up with by ex and was no longer a couple - I didn't fit in any more. A couple of years ago someone told me that married women are threatened by their single friends, and although this is hardly any consolation I believe there is something to it. Maybe if I was in a couple I would also lose interest in my girlfriends? Maybe I wouldn't need them to share my thoughts and feelings anymore? May be I just don’t exist on this earth for them. How most important people, friends, family no one exits for you…you are left all alone on your own having no one to talk too and you manage to turn into a completely lonely person and the choices I've made that ended me up here, but I am still not able to stop wondering how I brought this on myself. I have become incredibly used to my loneliness, so much I believe now I am depended on it and yet I find myself surprised and disturbed by it every single day. Because you see, I did want to be lonely, I did not choose to have no friends, no companion, no lover, no human beings as part of my life.
And then, as a last resort I've decided to use this as my latest attempt reaching out there and if no one reads this blog - hey... at least it gives me something to do, and I really need to find something to do with myself atleast this gives me a chance to vent out, otherwise every few minutes tears fill my eyes but I don't cry, but those tears, they sneak up my eyes so often, every time I face one of those very well known moments that touch me inside and just like a button make those tears flow.