Let Go!!!

Met my Ex and since then I was feeling so restless, my solitude is all crowded with all sorts of thoughts..sleepless nights and tortured days. I had accepted the fact that it was all over and I knew we wouldn’t get back together again. Moreover He is a married guy now... Still losing a relationship can feel like a mini-death, complete with a grieving process. I cried almost everyday and night for no reasons or may be for all the more reasons...whenever i was alone my tears were rolling down my face, i was driving back home and I pulled my car over and started to weep like a small child for over 20 minutes...it was so hard to put myself back together...and get going... I went through all the phases. I followed the NON Contact Rules. I suffered through the “emotional roller-coaster”. I consciously accepted the fact that we were not together and would never be again And after all that, I still broke down…. In this whole story, i realised one thing very clearly, every move he has made was all planned thoughtfully. So I am trying to get real. He came o meet us after all these years also for a reason...not that he felt anything for his son or for myself. But his visit has shaken me to the core.. Everything re winded...good bad ugly everything came on surface again. The best predictor of future behaviour is relevant past behaviour. When whatever he has done has got some or other reasoning behind it. He has calculated everything and surprisingly, all of it were related to himself..... his profit and loss, his carrier his lifestyle, his family and his future. Both of US (Me and My son) were nowhere..not even remotely. Felt like a toy in kids hand...when he gets new one he cares for it for a while and soon he get bored of it and throws it away.... felt used.....He came after many years to me to set rules...again for his own benefits...Never looked back before..when i was all alone raising kid singlehandly.. Each time, when we discussed issues he swore he would change, and I believed him. Hoping things might change but Hope can be a terrible thing if it keeps you stuck in the past. It’s not easy to end all contact when you feel attached to someone. You can't change what you don't acknowledge. Isn't there a point at which you say, "I deserve better? My children deserve better. He may not have any boundaries, but I do have mine and my boundaries says “you either treat us with dignity, respect and integrity or don’t treat us at all”. I want to stand up for my child and myself.I don’t want to be vulnerable with him again. All I want to do is Re-engineer my life, an entire reengineering of my life, values, beliefs, thoughts, conduct, sentiments and emotion and so on. I have to Stop beating myself up about this. I have to deconstruct my past life, and reconstruct my future. I can’t continue to live in anger and to be with someone who causes pain. So i have to forgive and let go. Forgiveness is a choice. It doesn't mean what he did is Right. We all make poor decisions but holding on to the pain of what has occurred in all these years does nothing but disappointed me moving forward and created more pain. Slowly it has eaten me away and hinders me in my life continuously. Always been living in shackles wondering why things don’t get better in life. I can’t always control what happens to me, but I can control how I respond to it. You have to go through the feelings as they come, but you can help yourself get through them faster. Letting go opens new opportunity when you’re holding onto something, you’re less open to giving and receiving anything else. . But eventually have to start accepting what happened and have to shift focus from the past to the future.