JUST TELL ME YOU LOVE ME (+playlist)

Air Supply - I'm All Out Of love

lOST!

I see desires in your vacant eyes,

moonlight in your pallor,

wisdom in your inanities,

madness in your routines.

You are the statue I created,

and lost myself in.

AN ENCOUNTER!

As we drift together,yet apart.

Unknowing, yet experienced.

The zigzags of threads, intertwined.

Infinite words of silent eyes.

Cocooned by moonlight.

Caressed by soft whispers.

Heady laughter rippling….

Weaving webs of togetherness,

in our apartness.

Old Saying - Time is a great healer

Time is a great healer,

the wise ones say.

Then, why do I suffer the ravages of time each day?

At time i feel i am too weak, at times i feel like I am a pretty strong person . Still at times i feel so misrable .This wasn't always the case and while I feel this way most of the time, sometimes I allow myself to get down on myself and give into being weak. I think it is normal.

I also feel like I am fairly thick skinned, meaning I don't take things to heart when people talk bad about me or tell me I am wrong. Heck I know I am not perfect and I know what areas I could improve on. If I was perfect, I wouldn't be human and I wouldn't be me. But at times i do feel Bad too....... However, once I open my heart to you, be it family or friend, I get a very thin skin and can be hurt by you. I think this is also a normal part of being human. We have emotions and I don't think as a whole we were meant to be reclusive. I realize there are exceptations to ever rule but my point is we seek out people to be around and have in our life, and therefore we can open ourselves to being hurt......to being judged,being questioned......

Not sure where I was going with this.... Hmmm... Let's change direction a bit... I am trying to explain my recent delima a bit but it is very scrambled up. I just feel like my life is spinning around me right now and I do not feel like fixing it at the moment. I might whine a bit or complain, heck I might even cry or worse get sick from it. But I know it is a moment in time and I know that I will get back to me. I call these times my depression moments. I am down in this hole, just looking up and watching, waiting for the skies to clear. I can only focus on one area in my life at a time when I am like this. It has to be work most of the time or else I can't support the family. The house is the first thing that takes a back seat. Gosh I want my house clean but if I just hide in the hole for a bit, I can't see it. I am not a great housekeeper, never have been. I see sofa set full of things. I see the toys,glasses and the trash and the laundry.My bed which remains messy....till next night

At times i just want to pay someone else to do it who either 1. is good at it and/or 2. does a good job for me for this time.I don't care which just so long as I have a clean house and I am not the one doing it.... Cooking is not fun for me anymore either.... heck it was so much fun before, I used to enjoy it and I used to have pride in it, but I also worked a lot fewer hours and had people that actually appreciated my efforts. I do eat "bad" several times a week but for the most part, I do okay. I try to eat several veggies and some fruit in a day. I try to balance my carb intact and my proteins. I drink a lot of water. food day).... But truly I know what to eat, how to eat and how much. I know why I am overweight. Just right now, in this hole, it is not a priority.

I have some typical mommy guilt as well....i delievered a baby and unable to raise him the way i always wanted... always wanted to be a gud wife and a nice mom...but then what have i done, just sent him apart..... that causes me to reduce groundings and reward even when there is nothing to reward. I get it. But overall, I have good kid and he do know when to stop pushing back and just pick up.....

That is just a few of the things weighing heavy on my mind.... and it isn't even the big, huge elephant in the room problem that I can't seem to deal with. These are the fixable things at least. My big elephant is not at the moment fixable. Well really it is but I feel like I am in a lose-lose situation and the clock is ticking. And this is the one that keeps me hiding in this hole. This is one that if I decide to fix, it will get me out of the hole but do I want to?

I told myself several years ago that if I was ever unhappy with something in my life I would fix it. Be it a job, a relationship, myself, the house.... It didn't matter, I would take control and fix it. I vowed that life was too short to live it unhappy, yet what if the thing that brings you the most joy is also the thing destroying you day after day, week after week.... Then what? So you see why I live with an elephant. I don't want anyone reading into this what they think my problem might be that needs fixing. You could guess and guess, and you would be wrong.... and heck even if it were true, am I ready to admit it? No, not yet. I don't really want someone to fix it for me either. Or I Do......i just want someone to hold me tight and assure me that he is there i am not alone, just love me for who i am how i am.....but...............I have to solve this problem. It is my problem.

The windmills of the Gods grind slow

but they grind for sure.

Yeah! And I am still waiting!

It took me eight years to fix my last elephant sized problem and before that it was also years. I am a patient person but I also believe in taking risks. So just like I knew it was time to move back to somewhere else, end my all nighmares, quit a job I didn't like.... I will wait until I feel I am ready and only then can I walk away thinking, "No regrets! and What a ride!"

Nothing lasts forever.

I have heard that for long…..

Its time.

To do away with clichés.

Face ground realities.

Oops! Now that’s a true cliché!!

Wake up Crying!!!

Has any one cried in a dream and then woke up and had tears in real life.? Something strange happened in my life for the first time today, i woke up at 4:00AM. had dream this morning,actually it left me feeling drained, uncontrollable feelings ,i felt horrible i was actually crying, crying even when i am fully awake and sitting here and writing my blog. i was in shock for a bit and could not sleep again... i am having a headache now, have to get ready for work after some time...but i am so clueless...why it has happened. It is not unusual to feel and exhibit emotional responses in dreams. After all, who hasn't had a nightmare that frightened the sleeper to near-death? I have woken feeling upset, stressed or with the major feeling of sadness and with lot of Why????.What i experienced today is left me disturbed for a while. staring my day again......hoping day will be okay after a night and morningmare.

Chand Pal

kuch log jindagee mein bas yuu hee milty hain milty hain aur mil key yuu gujar jaty hain jaise kabhee miley hee naa hoo hum vo naa samajh hain joo un chand paloo ko jindagee samajh bethy bekar ke batoo ko hum pyar samjh bethy Maan bas udny laga apnee Udan is baar humny bhee naa roka.... soacha shayad yahee jindagee hain par is Maan ko kya pata tha.... kee kushiya sirf chand ghadiyooo ke mehmaan hotee hain.... vo jitnee dere sey aate hain ussey kahee jayada tejee sey chalee bhe ejatee hain Jo maan kal bekbu ho kar udd chalaa tha.... Un chand kushiyo key saath... AAj kissey koney mein yuu khada hain jaise koi udaad bachaa... apna khilona tutny ke baad .. jany waly chaley gaye hum aaj fir us ruthy bachy ko mannaey lagy... kal fir koi kushee aayegee.... kal fir sey kise ka samnaa hoga aur isse tarah jindagi Gujar jayegee.... gum aur kushee key darmayan

kisse aur ke nazroo mein...

Aap ki nazaron mein aap ki poori zindgi simiti si nazar aayi, Aap ke hothon ki muskarahat bhi,Aap ki udasi ko na chupa paai. Aap ki undekhi tasveer dekhi tau ,aap yuhin khyalon mein chali aayi. Aankhen bund ki tau,aap ki aankhon mein barsat ki jhadi nazar aayi. Chali ja rahi ho akeli,apnon ki bhid mein, Kahney ko apney hain,lekin woh sirf sapney hain.

Let Go!!!

Met my Ex and since then I was feeling so restless, my solitude is all crowded with all sorts of thoughts..sleepless nights and tortured days. I had accepted the fact that it was all over and I knew we wouldn’t get back together again. Moreover He is a married guy now... Still losing a relationship can feel like a mini-death, complete with a grieving process. I cried almost everyday and night for no reasons or may be for all the more reasons...whenever i was alone my tears were rolling down my face, i was driving back home and I pulled my car over and started to weep like a small child for over 20 minutes...it was so hard to put myself back together...and get going... I went through all the phases. I followed the NON Contact Rules. I suffered through the “emotional roller-coaster”. I consciously accepted the fact that we were not together and would never be again And after all that, I still broke down…. In this whole story, i realised one thing very clearly, every move he has made was all planned thoughtfully. So I am trying to get real. He came o meet us after all these years also for a reason...not that he felt anything for his son or for myself. But his visit has shaken me to the core.. Everything re winded...good bad ugly everything came on surface again. The best predictor of future behaviour is relevant past behaviour. When whatever he has done has got some or other reasoning behind it. He has calculated everything and surprisingly, all of it were related to himself..... his profit and loss, his carrier his lifestyle, his family and his future. Both of US (Me and My son) were nowhere..not even remotely. Felt like a toy in kids hand...when he gets new one he cares for it for a while and soon he get bored of it and throws it away.... felt used.....He came after many years to me to set rules...again for his own benefits...Never looked back before..when i was all alone raising kid singlehandly.. Each time, when we discussed issues he swore he would change, and I believed him. Hoping things might change but Hope can be a terrible thing if it keeps you stuck in the past. It’s not easy to end all contact when you feel attached to someone. You can't change what you don't acknowledge. Isn't there a point at which you say, "I deserve better? My children deserve better. He may not have any boundaries, but I do have mine and my boundaries says “you either treat us with dignity, respect and integrity or don’t treat us at all”. I want to stand up for my child and myself.I don’t want to be vulnerable with him again. All I want to do is Re-engineer my life, an entire reengineering of my life, values, beliefs, thoughts, conduct, sentiments and emotion and so on. I have to Stop beating myself up about this. I have to deconstruct my past life, and reconstruct my future. I can’t continue to live in anger and to be with someone who causes pain. So i have to forgive and let go. Forgiveness is a choice. It doesn't mean what he did is Right. We all make poor decisions but holding on to the pain of what has occurred in all these years does nothing but disappointed me moving forward and created more pain. Slowly it has eaten me away and hinders me in my life continuously. Always been living in shackles wondering why things don’t get better in life. I can’t always control what happens to me, but I can control how I respond to it. You have to go through the feelings as they come, but you can help yourself get through them faster. Letting go opens new opportunity when you’re holding onto something, you’re less open to giving and receiving anything else. . But eventually have to start accepting what happened and have to shift focus from the past to the future.

Cheating

All these years I have been angry somewhere...lots of emotional thought process I have been going through at various moments... Somewhere there was a thought lying somewhere that I should have tried one more time, though i was deeply hurt.. I have been telling myself i am not the one who made the decision to break commitment to my partner and cheat. I have nothing to do with my partner making the immature, inappropriate, self-destructive choice to turn away from me to someone else. What if you have children then think of the children, your children will suffer. You are turning their lives upside down, fracturing their family unit and destroying their peace and harmony. Do they think "What right do I have to break his/her family unit in which innocent children are growing every day, just to feed my need?" Do they??? They don’t becoz there need is bigger than anything else, be it there own kid.... But Deep Down somewhere i was bothered abt my Kid, I wanted to do and try all sorts of things...Be it patching up with his DAD...to give him a complete life...but it didn’t worked out and in turn I was more than hurt. It like the person you trusted to honour you in this relationship has betrayed you. They let you down, embarrassed you, and hurt you to your core. All I was hoping then and now that one should Accept responsibility. You should have the decency to tell your partner in all honesty and candor that you own your choices. You're the one who ran this relationship off in the ditch. This had nothing to do with your partner. But you're going to continue to victimize everybody, because you're controlled by your impulses rather than your values. When it all started, you have been with your significant other and everything seems to be going well for most part. you have your good times and not so good times and you have your rough moments. But still you just stand there with a hope that relationship will progress as planned and hope for..... Somewhere being in that relationship you can sense the unpleasant things, still u keep ignoring that sense, insecurity..or maybe you feel its just an hunch. Then the day comes when you find out that you were cheated, previously you just had clues but now it’s all official. You saw it coming but never believed. You were in denial...or extra hopeful that things will get better...just trying to give that space. But suddenly your castle came down..you are devastated and broken..you never want to accept the fact. But either way the fact remains. You have loved someone always taken that extra mile...but they have been unfaithful. What can you do about it now? Can you recover from such a blow? Can you really get back into a relationship with them and expect that it can be a good and healthy relationship? Is forgiving them possible when they have done something as bad as cheating? They say the chance of a successful relationship born of infidelity is not even one in 100.

Pink Floyd - Come Back To Life ( Lyrics )

Swapnatalya Kalyano - Asha Bhosle

WHY???

I had a very busy day today...never got the time to eat also....came back home with aver heavy head and lot of thought process....somehow cooked something and thought i will sleep early today... But here i am writing again.....because I just can’t sleep....restlessness is there, a void is there... Ohh GOD I wish i could sleep...with such a heavy head and painful thoughts..It’s so hard you just can’t sleep and can’t be awake.....it’s so frustrating. I called up my sweet pie as well...this month he is little disappointed with me...after 1st July I haven't met him..nor I talked much...when I left him he was little sick but he had his exams...so I had to leave him back.....I called him up at that very night...and His first question was maaa abb leny kab aaogee...sat ko hee aa jana ...you know we can go back home..... and I just told him baby I have dropped you in the morning itself....I can’t come so early....then he said OK milny to aa jana and i said i will....after that i haven’t met him....... While he was here...he came to know we are going through a financial crunch...as salary were not dispersed by then. So today when I called him....his standard question came...will u take me home tomorrow..and i said i will not be able to do so.... as i am busy this weekend too....then question number second came. At least you can come and meet me.... mujhy bahut yaad aatee hain maaa...and I said yes I will come....and like every time I asked him what he wants..he gave me his standard answer...so till here...it was all normal conversation....at times I feel that our conversation is like tape recorder which gets on and off every time we talk...with little or very little variance or demands. Today he said...Have you got your salary??...which left me surprised that why he wants to know....and how come he is asking that question....is that was there in his mind all this while??? Rather than answering my mind started battling with lot of questions like that.... Then i asked him do you need anything??? and then he said, NO I just asked because u may be stressed or you may not have money to fill petrol in the car...or to buy biscuits for me...that’s why you have not came and met me....i need a gift but let me know when you get your salary. or may be you can buy me a gift on my birthday. And i felt so bad and i started wondering....all this while he must be thinking about it ...what’s wrong with my mom...why is she not coming...and then he must be thinking about money .. Were we that intelligent when we were kids of his age????...I guess...we were not even nearby. But How do i tell him apart from salary what all i am going through.... How do i tell him how difficult is to deal with past and keeping the present intact..... In a broken relationship...kids suffers the most...there innocence just goes away in evaluating the question WHY??? Wish I could Answer WHY for myself and for him too.....

Summer Vacation

Summer vactaions were coming to an end, the sinking feeling in my heart deepened. have been batteling with this feeling from past one week...and now one more night left and he will be gone...:( Its a tough call to handel.....its so hard to see an empty house, without the chit chat, noises, demands and lot of hustel bustel which only child can bring in. I have always been fighting this big battel between my Head nd heart about my decision of sending him to boarding school inspite of his reluctance. Changes are often unaceptable be its kids or we as an adults... But responsiveness to changes is what keeps us going... one would certainly not know unless you try it out. so i tried and you only know when one weighs the pros and cons and finds that boarding outweighs living at home for various reasons.When we become parents we want to give best in the owrld to our child....i too have dreamt. Now month long vacation is over and i am going through all sorts of emotions, but as a working mother, one of my biggest challenges was and is time management, And within that finding enough time for him for his studies and other activities... so on the other hand i am trying to convince myself that whatever i have decided for him was the best. One hand he is in denial...Maa...i will not go back...i will say with you.... why i cnt stay here?...why is it important for you to send me back..... why i came back in this vacation also..wheni can stay there for rest of the months...i can stay there for this vactaion month also... and N number of Such Why's i get stuck in too.... it becomes so difficult to answer such WHY thing.... On the other hand when he is really calm, he is all excited excited at the prospect of going back. We prepared the list of things he wanted to carry back. Truth remains.....that he will go back...and i will be on my own again... missing him every day and night...

Package Deal

People Keep asking why i am still single,why I have not dated for over 8 years.they keep telling you still have one child and you still stand a chance to get a man Being a Single mom in countries like India is quite a big deal.... although everyone around you will claim that we all live in a modern society, but unfortunatly certain stigmas still exist. Some view them as perfect mistress mterial.Some rich class thinks they can financially support them and make them available for themeselves whenever they want..... some think why do we need a single mom when we can have best one. In other words, they would not willingly choose because in choosing us, they would also have to explain to their friends parents,and family as to why they chose a single mom. why when they could easily have someone younger, more available and without all those excess baggage to deal with. No man in question would willingly want to raise another man’s kid.No One wants a Package Deal. Still We go through that, Its like daydreaming and romanticizing about being back in a life with full of love, romance wistful relationship, and how great that someone is going to be when we fall in love again and we may get lucky. Dating as single mom can be really challanging. taking charge of a package deal is quite a task its not the end of the world and if someone is meant for you they will love you with or without kids....