New Journey - Unknown

It took me 11 years to work through my feelings about relationships and letting go.

Eleven years ago I was completely heart broken and devastated that formed the basis for a regrets, sadness, helplessness.. You feel well duped, replaced and that hurts.

Whenever relationship ends, one always go and dwell and wants to know what went wrong and all
But all that dwelling does is make you suffer by revisiting past .... you hold yourself back from everything around....and you are always afraid of being vulnerable, being hurt.....or in the process of self defense  and you hold yourself back  and you restrain yourself from things  and hurting someone else.

We are humans and we all are entitled to commit mistakes, everyone does, but you need to you learn lesson from them and try to improve the present and future life by not repeating the same mistakes...

Today after six months  I am back here and writing again....I was revisiting the whole decade...my Son is going to be 11 yrs. old in couple of days... I am gong through a mommy guilt from last couple of days for being not there on his B day  again 2nd year in a row... and was feeling really bad about it... and again I revisited the 11 years today. Persistence sense of longing for someone we lost and the memory lane of the relationship shared makes us suffer more. That Longing was there.
Another things I have gone through was Hope . Believe me "Hope can be a terrible thing if it keeps you stuck in the past"

It wasn't easy to break all the connection..in one go....specially when you were deeply attached to someone..to break all the contacts.....and just move on as if nothing happened.....its like a mini death.. which needs to be completed with grieving process.

I still remember that sense of shock , being in denial, hurt, pain I have gone trough , I was unable to believe its over .. and that word "HOPE"

And it all come out....in various forms  in all these years . You feel angry , irritated you being so insecure, defensive and then feel depressed and lonely.

Eventually you learn to start accepting past and shift your focus from the past to the future. You start dealing with things which are in hand. You go through the feelings as they come, but eventually you get through them faster then before.  Slowly you learn to "Let Go" and be in peace with yourself.

I was holding it ....Hope was holding it all...for  a long long time....then when I decided to let it go ..

New possibilities Opens up... it made me more open and receptive.

I learnt hard way that I can’t always control what happens to me, but I can control how I respond to it.

So over the years prospective of looking at things has changed a bit... I realized and accepted that the journey is endless, and have more room to grow.

If I look at that  broken unhealthy relationship or the following decade as time lost. I would  underestimate all the amazing things that has happened to me because of that relationship and the things I did in that time and over the past 11 years.

I am single from late twenties to till now...but  now I am thinking that gave  me a all together different prospective in life, made me a strong independent women... built great friendships and made some progress in life.

Instead of feeling victimised I am feeling empowered ...whatever has happened in the past has prepared me for the present and now  life is full of opportunities for growth, peace, and happiness.....

I realise while I was grieving the "mini death" and even missing him; he was already on a new ‘adventure’ with someone else.

Now I am exploring that Unknown and that unknown can be a curse or an adventure. But now  I’m strong and positive enough to see the latter

I realised that short-term discomfort is crucial for long-term growth. Now I am not limited by the fear of making a mistake..

when we make mistakes, we grow. An atmosphere of growth is integral to happiness

Aloneness and Love

I like this Gazal... which is really so true....

Har taraf har jagah beshumaar aadmee
     phir bhi tanhaaiyon ka shikaar aadmee
     subah se shaam tak bojh dhotaa hua
     apanee hi laash ka khud mazaar aadmee
     har taraf bhaagate daudate raaste
     har taraf aadmee ka shikaar aadmee
     roz jeetaa hua roz martaa hua
     har naye din nayaa intezaar aadmee
     zindagee ka muqaddar safar dar safar
     aakhree saans tak beqaraar aadmee


I always wondered we all are surrounded by so many people...still we are so alone....

People who party or are very social or those who lives with full fledged families and often go out, everyday they go to clubs and social gathering ... they are not alone  and they are not tanhaa......as far as I know and seen people....we all are  Tanhaa...somewhere or other....reasons can be different....

People who have money power family, everything which a person needs to survive...still they are lonely....looking for something more which is more meaningful and something to which they can call there own.....what is that something???

everyone has a different definition for that Something.....  for that need which money, power, fame, materialistic things......can not fulfill ....

why they are in to that situation....

Most people who are looking for love “out there” are actually just running away from loneliness. They constantly settle for less than what they want, and less than what they deserve, because their greatest fear is to be alone, grow old alone and die alone.

For me - I long for  companionship deep unconditional and everlasting companionship.............always I have just dreamt about it...

To be with someone....where no doubt exits, no selfishness, no motives, petty games,no hidden agenda, no ill feelings, no anger, no ego  exits....

In fact you know in advance that your heart will be broken. You will be lied to, you will be taken for granted; you will be hurt and disappointed. Sooner or later, between here and your deathbed, you will have to say goodbye. You know it, you accept it, and you love anyway.

is that a realistic feeling....I don't know yet....failed to understand ...why things cant be simple....why we cant separate our agenda  towards materlistic goals or any other professional goals from our personal life.

Why two people cant be in a relationship or together or can be a soul mate for each other not for any gains...

Why Love Can't be just Love...why it has to be materialized too.

Why people want something or other on that name of LOVE ...why it can be selfless...without any motives.

If you love a person, you help that person experience the completeness of aloneness. You don’t try to fill them up and complete them by your presence. You want them to not be in need of you.

Most of us has fallen in love at some or other time in life......how many of us can really vouch that we love other person selflessly...not for some or reasons....

Once you’ve fallen in love deeply, you yearn for that love; you wish to find it again. You become lonely. You begin to fantasize and create a reality that doesn’t actually exist. Then you fall in love with someone unworthy of it.

How many of us can say...I will do anything or everything  in my hand  to  be with that physically, mentally or emotionally when required without calculating  profit or loss, without any EGO, without any other thought..... Just to be with that person because He or she needs you in that hour, very few people I guess....selfless LOVE is rare.

Those who have got they are the most rich and luckiest people on this Earth.















 

Time

Self Respect

Hosla

 

Dil Lagi Thi Usey Hum Se Mohabbat Kab Thi

Mehfil-e-Gair Se Un Ko Fursat Kab Thi

Hum They Mohabbat Main Lut Jane K Qabil

Uss Key Wadoon Main Wo Haqiqat Kab Thi…

Us Ne Toda Woh Talukq Jo Humari Har Baat Se Tha

Par fir bhe Hum Kitne Majboor Hain Takdeer Ke Hathon

Na Use Pane Ki Aukat Rakhte Hain Aur

Na Use Khone Ka Hosla

 

Muhabbat

Kuch din pehle muhabbat ko muhabbat samjha hum ne..
Muhabbat hui muhabbat ko apna samjha hum ne..


Muhabbat main iss qadar madhosh ho gaye..
Iss ki bewafai ko wafa samjha hum ne..


Zakham iss qadar muhabbat ne diye..
In zakhmo ko phool samjha hum ne..


Muhabbat ki chikh o pukaar iss qadar thi..
Ass pass ke logo ki rone ko hasna samjha hum ne..


Muhabbat ki shidat main aankhen iss kadar chandiya gaye..
Har chamakti hui chiz ko sona samjha hum ne..


Dewaana iss qadar muhabbat ne bannaya humko..
Apno ko begana aur unn ko apna samjha hum ne..


Muhabbat ki yaadein dil par kuch youn naksh kar gaye..
Bhulane ki koshish mein khud ko hi bhula diya hum ne..

Misc - Here and there

 

मुझसे खेलती रही दुनिया ताश के पत्तो की तरह.....,
जो जीता उसने भी फैंका.....
और जो हारा उसने भी फैंका.......!!

 

 

दो शब्दो मे सीमटी है मेरी मोहब्बत की दास्तान..
उसे टूट कर चाहा और चाह कर टूट गये..

 

 

हद से बढ़ जाये ताल्लुक तो गम मिलते हैं,
हम इसी वास्ते अब हर शख्स से कम मिलते हैं .......

 

ये तेरा वहम है कि हम तुझको भूल जायेंगे...
वो तेरा शहर होगा जहा बे-वफा बसते होंगे.!!

 

 

औकात

मै सूरज के साथ रहकर भी भूला नही अदब,
लोग जुगनू का साथ पाकर... मगरूर हो गये.
खुद मे काबिलीयत हो तो...भरोसा कीजिये,
सहारे कितने भी अच्छे हों...साथ छोड़ जाते हैं.
...

सच की हालत किसी तवायफ सी है,
तलबगार बहुत हैं तरफदार कोई नही.
मुद्दतों बाद किसी ने पूछा- कहां रहते हो,
मैने मुस्करा कर कहा- अपनी औकात मे.

Sign of Emotional Abuse

Signs of Emotional Abuse

• Tell lies and half-truths to avoid having to explain their actions
• Accuse and blame to divert attention away from themselves
• Refuse to accept the perspective of others while irrationally defending their own positions
• Withhold information in areas affecting the lives of those they are abusing – it give them the control to manipulate future events. 
• Avoid acknowledging the feelings of others, yet will often bring up how their emotions are being effected
• Slight or take digs in a non-aggressive or joking manner, allowing the abuser to say he was just kidding while still being abusive
• Change the subject to divert attention from themselves
• Make others feel worthless in an attempt to lower their self-esteem and bring them down to the level of the abuser.
• Threaten or hint of physical, mental or sexual abuse
• Deny anything is wrong (not being responsible and lying to self)
• Show inappropriate emotional out bursts (a form of distracting attention, confusing the abused or shifting blame)
• Try and control others to domineer and limit freedom or expression
• Forget commitments and promises.
• Deny success by placing unreasonable demands, unjustly singling out or constantly placing someone in the category of a loser.
• Take advantage of vulnerabilities using shame, guilt or fear
• The actions and promises are out of alignment. They say one thing and do another
• Only be nice when all other options have been removed, when they feel they are trapped into a corner
• Cut someone off so they are not allowed to speak. Suppressing self-expression.
• Look to eliminate the choices of others, while gathering control for themselves
• Ask inappropriate questions or make insinuating comments to evoke emotional responses
• Humiliate others in public situations to show their superiority
• Keep pushing buttons and activating places of sensitivity
  
• Pretend to understand concerns and then disregarding them
• Slander the name, reputation, associations or activities of those they can’t control

Self Esteem and Emotional Abuse

"Great spirits have always encountered violent oppression from mediocre minds” ~ Albert Einstein.

 

From Past couple of  months I have been evaluating things and I have been feeling confused about the relationship,  like you are “walking on eggshells” all the time. or kind of  off balance.

 

A relationship can be unhealthy or abusive even without physical violence. Emotional abuse cause emotional pain and scarring it may not cause physical damage but causing emotional damaging is bigger then physical damage. This is the kind of abuse that often sneaks up on you as you become more entrenched in the relationship.

 

Many days and night i kept wondering but I realize Replaying scenarios over and over will only have the mind reliving negative experiences again and again, only prolonging the suffering. They just breed negative emotions, depleting the body’s energy, clouding clarity of thought, and hurt future relationships

 

 Emotional abuse can touch a person at the core of their mental and emotional abilities. emotional abuse can create all sorts of uncertainty, self doubt and self esteem issues.

 

I realized past events still trigger anger, frustration, fear, hurt, rejection, or other negative emotions. I have been constantly feeling these emotions, and  all these emotions have hold on me.I can’t begin living life in a new way until I get rid of them. I am not obligated to hang around for anyone to completely destroy my sense of identity and respect.

 

Our dignity is all you and I really have. When that is assaulted, we must choose whether to protect it or allow it to be destroyed.   

 

Emotional Abusers are expert manipulators with a knack for getting you to believe that the way you are being treated is your fault. These people know that everyone has insecurities, and they use those insecurities against you.

  

Some of them  I have gone trough myself.

 

Humiliating or embarrassing me

Constant put-downs

Hypercriticism

Refusing to communicate

Ignoring  and excluding

Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice

Extreme moodiness

Mean jokes

Saying "I love you but..."

Saying things like "If you don't _____, I will_____"

Withdrawal of affection

Making everything my fault

Isolating from friends 

Using money to control

 

Many Sleepless nights, many thoughts, many questions  crosses my mind each day and night. and eventually resulted  being forgetful, confused and unable to concentrate, lost interest and energy to do the things I used to.

 

I decided finally  that I have the right to make my own decisions, in my own time, and that dealing with any form of abuse may take time. I have to Trust myself and my own experiences. also I have to  believe in my own strengths.  and I need to do everything survive to gracefully.

 

Then I  told myself  it’s time to be different and  I have to support myself, my mental and emotional needs in a meaningful and willful manner. And I need some time to heal.

 

Love is blissful when it is reciprocated. Its important for us to know that you may "love" this person, but that they do not "love" you or respect you.

  

 "Truth is everybody is going to hurt you and you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for"

Yeh Mojza Bhi Mohabbat Kabhi Dikhaaye Jagjit Singh Album A Mile Stone Up...

YOUR LOVE

 

Sitting at home,
with tears in my eyes

Writing this but

The silence is weighing me down,

The silence is deafening,

The silence between us won't go away,

Knowing that nothing will be alright

Wondering if you are close or far

You said you would never hurt me,
and like a fool, I believed your every word.

My openness was injured
My trust was broken
And it was you who made it hurt.

Your love for me had disappeared
suddenly overnight,
and I woke up with a heavy heart
still longing for the way it used to be,
back when you loved me.

But What can I do? I fell in love with you

For me, love never changes,
even though inside your heart it does.
All I really want is to feel your love again,
and know that you love me now,
just as much as you did then.

But most of all,
I long to know,
if you really ever loved me

 

Or  will  YOU always love me?

 

few line

Broken

 

Without You

 

So alone
Deep inside myself I'm crying
I'm screaming and no one can hear
But who would listen if they could anyway?

 

All these years I've suffered,
All these years I've cried
inside I was hurt,
inside I was dying
I've given up all my faith
I've given up believing, 
No one knows how I feel,
No one truly even knows
How long my life has been like this
How far am I willing to go?"
Lost, Broken, Unwanted 
Things I've always wanted,
Taken far from me.
People that I love,
Walk the other way, I'm all alone in this dark place,
As I sit here silently screaming,Tears pour from my eyes,
But there's not a soul that cares, I'm alive yet barely breathing
Time goes by
Yet I don't understand
The purpose of this feeling

Vows that sadly cannot endure
promises made but now ignored
answers to questions constantly needed
Arguments started but never completed
reconciled within naive denial
heartache unraveling from the core
hindered by broken wings that never soar
My heart crushed and you watched it fall
Did nothing worthy through it all
As it tumbled over the mountain's crest
You stood stiff - heartless like the rest
 
Promising, promising you would care,

Promises are meant to break
To see how much the heart can take,
To see how fast the eye can bleed
And how far we can go with greed
To feel how well we burn with pride
Until the pain breaks us inside...
And mountains crash; yes hearts will tear
To see how much a person cares.

The world was falling with you there

You watched and let my life decay

Maybe to you,
it wasn't a big thing,
but remember this,
you were my everything.

My world fell, and you weren't

there

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Conflict between Heart and Mind

There are moments when we feel conflict between heart and mind. specially In times of uncertainty there is nothing worse than the tug of war between heart and mind.

Sometimes Our intuition gives us a message , a hunch or a sign from the heart, but then our head takes over and we start to reason, and question that sign.

we all have a tendency to play it safe and to do what is comfortable - that's a head talk.
we are afraid to step out of the crowd, afraid to step away from what is comfortable, what everyone else is doing. We don’t want to have to justify our actions so we simply conform.  After all, it takes courage to step outside the norm.  and we always wanting to belong, not wanting to be ridiculed or laughed at, so we conform.

It takes courage to really stop and listen to what your heart is telling you,It takes courage to follow your heart.


My mind goes left, but my heart goes right
Its just two emotions locked in a fight
Heart says I want to love him, I want to be there and care
But my mind keeps telling me he'll never be there
Why can't I stop feeling
the way I do?
I know I'll never find
another you.
     
TUG OF WAR CONTINUES BETWEEN HEART AN MIND......................