PTM - 22 October

Like any other PTM i have faced another PTM today....Me and my son every time we go for PTM ,always faces same kind of questions...why are we alone
why his dad didn’t turned up...he should take offs from job for at least PTM.....its imp to have both parents involvements and so on and so forth...people just keep asking without realizing anything and i being with my son around...unable to give them a shut up call... and either i keep listening or keep giving some or other kind of excuses. His annual day is there people said tell him to attend that at least and to take out some time for his own kid.... what am i supposed to do ...shout in public that he will never be there.....we are without him ...just leave us alone...i wish i could do that...
But why do i get upset about it every time...? i really don’t know...but such events takes me to my past and make me think abt everything all over again. I start wondering what kind of father he is ....why he can’t be there.......
I don’t know how do i deal with it, many more PTM's to come and SAD part is when u see your son making stories about why his father is not there.... really want to ask him at times...wht is there in his mind about him....what he feels , how he feels about being confronted by kids there parents and so on...... but don’t have that courage to do that.
how long i can avoid people like this...i dont know but i keep doing that.....just don’t want to be part of any public gathering.....
today there was a Diwali Mela in society...went downstairs to pick my son at 9.30 pm and half of the stalls were closed...still in that 5 mins appearance i have been asked so many questions ....same stories every time....
why it’s so hard for people to accept things which is happening in someone else’s life and they have nothing to do with it...still they are so much bothered.... so inquisitive, and feel happy doing that….
All this gossips and questions takes my sleep and peace away…and mind becomes so busy thinking about all this……you just don’t feel normal yourself………you have to make efforts to put mind at rest and sleep and forget the day and start another fresh day……
With a hope things will change some day!!!!

7th Birthday

Its unfortunate that my sons dad did’t even call up on his another birthday. Should I be surprised but guess not? Should my son be upset? Heck yeah its his father. Its bad enough that he is not able to see him even once a year, so his father should certainly take the time away from his other family and work to be with his only son on his special day. Well that is what I think. Maybe I am wrong? My point is no matter what his father feels towards me he shouldn't deny his son.
It's hard isn't it? When you see your child so patiently waiting for "dad" to show up.He sits so still and never takes his eyes off the road and every phone bell that’s rings…he thinks its his call. What to say when dad doesn't show up? It can make you angry and sad to see your son try so hard to put on a brave face,when you know deep down inside he's hurt. .He is just 7 and soon enough he will figure out whether or not his dad is worth getting upset over.
I try very hard to bite my tongue and say nothing,but deep down inside all I want to is call him an "irresponsible, but I don't. This will only make me feel better for a short time while it stings my son for a long time.

October 11

I had a kind of weird day today......have have gone through various Octobers of my life....year by year October’s were passing my mind..and October happens to be Birthday month for my son as well as his father. But when i look back and looking at current month i.e October...i realise that there is something wrong with this months and my life……things were relatively tough, indecisiveness, gloominess comes in.Things never go as it was planned...Every year i plan to celebrate my son's birthday at it best and every year we end up not doing much.......

Tuesday is my baby boy's 7th birthday.. The sweetest brightest kid you could ever meet.:)

He is sick from last two days and guess going through lot of emotions....i can see him thinking and at last He asked me all day today..wonder what I am going to get from daddy…….. will he come on my B’day ……his friends were asking him what he is going to get from his father… so he said he had to answer them as well.This year he is able to understand things more clearly and me knowing..that his dad will get him nothing..hasnt seen him in 1year, he was never there from his first birthday but i filled that space by getting him something all these years on his behalf but today just says..honey dont get your hopes up). My son looks at me as if this is my fault somehow.. his little heart is broken once again by this heartless …….. I used to not be able to believe the audacity of this guy.. to not be a father..to not be in his child’s lives.. but .. my kids do not understand.. So I have this fear in my mind..that instead of remembering.. the good things about his 7th birthday..that my son will always remember his dad left him in the dust.. again..... :( ...................

But on the bright side.. I decided to throw a party for his little friends and get him a nice gift .. I am hoping I can salvage this day for my sweet boy... and I know in my heart..that my ex..is the one losing out.. It just hurts me …..to see my little boy like this and this so called "man" he is supposed to look up too......have no feeling for him.

Night

In the still of night when I am at peace.
Alone though with My love that cannot be.
Only but for few moments
Though not enough in time With my love.
I spend the nights alone
Dreaming of the love
That cannot be.
Not because the love
Does not love me.
As the moments pass
My love fades
Bidding me A good night.
Alone in my solitude
Dreaming of the love
That cannot be.
Wishing for the love
That cannot be held
By moon light.
My tears not to be seen
Falling silently for the love
I'll never hold at night
Because it cannot be

Lonliness

"Koi Ye kaise bataye kee voo tanhaa kuu hain
Vo jo apnaa thaa kabhee vo aur kisse kaa kuu hain"

I am going through this thought process and finding it so much difficult to accept things.
At times things happens for no reasons and sometimes for some foreseen reasons or you realise the reasons for that particular situation. At times you blame yourself and sometimes to the other person....and this is how you make yourself understand.
But what one should do...when no reasons exits....you failed to understand what went wrong...what you should remember and what you should forget.....Self introspection or anything else nothing helps…..you just keep going through various thoughts and you’re your past just revolves around.
Now a days with all the updated technologies.....its hard to get away with things....
you come across some or other things which upsets you....you know from within that you have nothing to do with it...but somewhere deep in heart it hurts...and make you think of unwanted things....all the things which you have set aside comes forward....and you get in to a different world....a world which was real for a while and...which now seems so unrealistic. You couldn’t believe yourself....things have changed so fast and gone so far from where there is No U turn.
How one feels about replacement in relationship when you find someone else right there where you were there till sometime back . When you felt on top of the world being there and then you realized you have been replaced with someone else……
“Rehty kabhee jinkey dil mein hum jaan sey bhee payaro ke tarah
Bethy hain unhee key kuchey mein hum gunahgharo kee tarah”

June - Sept 11

Last Four months were pretty hectic and i have come across some wonderful and not so wonderful people but learnt something or other thing from each one of them.

These three months were full of sorrows , grief’s, momentarily happiness, sense of achievement, sense of failure, overwhelming days and nights, to many things at the same time, and a lot more to it.

There were moments when i felt that wish i had that someone right there who can just hold me tight and take me out of that same thought which were again and again coming from the centre at great speed such that it overtakes everything else, also suppressing every other possible thought.

There were moments when i felt i am better off alone, at least I am responsible for whatever I do, no blame games, no problems...it’s just me who can make it good or worse.

Life has taken me from one place to other and took the complete U turn, leaving me behind wondering now what is next………..
My decisions, my plans, my thoughts, everything were changing almost on daily basis….. they l call it as living day by day…nothing as per plans were moving…….
Every day you dig a well and have water………………… after that start thinking of food and so on……..
Every year in beginning I plan and tell myself this year we will celebrate my son’s birthday in a grand way…..but every year some or other thing happens…and we end up doing nothing.

But irrespective of all odds I have decided to celebrate his Birthday…….wished things were better than the way it is now……but then I think it could have been other way round too…things could have been worse then what is today… so decided to go with the wind…..
“Apnee marjee sey kaha apny safar key hum hain…
Ruukh hawaoo kaa jidhar kaa udhar key hum hain”

Soul

"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be,
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance,
I have not winced nor cried aloud:
Under the bludgeoning of chance my head is bloody but unbowed . . . . .
It matters not how strait the gait, how charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul."
(WE Henley, 1849-1903, from‘ Invictus')



"A life spent in making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing." (George Bernard Shaw, 1856-1950.)

Someone somewhere

At times life becomes so clueless, all of sudden you feel so alone ,helpless and most deprived person on this earth, nothing seems bigger than your own problems.
you are just not able to think rationally and forget about all the good things you have got in life and mind and heart goes out for things which we don’t posses or things which are not in our hand, sense of sadness, helplessness and frustrations starts taking space and in turn you lose your general sense of happiness and you start cribbing about small issues in life.
There are times when you wish to have someone who can be just there for you without being judgmental...what went wrong ,when, how , who were at fault. You just wish for that one person in life who can hear you, be there for you, when you feel low and down you should be able to express anything without any inhibition.
But then you realise when such moments creeps in, that you have nobody who can understand the situation and can relate with it.
You feel so unfortunate after having couple of friends and so called acquaintance that you just can’t talk about anything to anyone.
And you feel that very moment
"Koi hota jiskoo apna hum apna keh lety yaroo
Pass nahee to dur hee hota lekin koi mera apna"
When things starts going in the wrong direction, it seems it goes wrong in all the direction, nowhere you are able to find that brightness which comes after every dark night.
But times doesn’t stop for anything when after a long and gloomy night dawn comes....you again start your daily life leaving things behind and again you start hoping may be things will be okay some day...and life goes on like this.
“Har Taraf Har jagah beshumar aadmi,
Fir bhee tanhaiyo kaa shikar aadmi”

Then times comes when you get over with it and then you again starts thinking and realise that those were so small issues
and problems and you have spent your valuable time for something which was never yours, things which were never meant to be for you......