October 11

I had a kind of weird day today......have have gone through various Octobers of my life....year by year October’s were passing my mind..and October happens to be Birthday month for my son as well as his father. But when i look back and looking at current month i.e October...i realise that there is something wrong with this months and my life……things were relatively tough, indecisiveness, gloominess comes in.Things never go as it was planned...Every year i plan to celebrate my son's birthday at it best and every year we end up not doing much.......

Tuesday is my baby boy's 7th birthday.. The sweetest brightest kid you could ever meet.:)

He is sick from last two days and guess going through lot of emotions....i can see him thinking and at last He asked me all day today..wonder what I am going to get from daddy…….. will he come on my B’day ……his friends were asking him what he is going to get from his father… so he said he had to answer them as well.This year he is able to understand things more clearly and me knowing..that his dad will get him nothing..hasnt seen him in 1year, he was never there from his first birthday but i filled that space by getting him something all these years on his behalf but today just says..honey dont get your hopes up). My son looks at me as if this is my fault somehow.. his little heart is broken once again by this heartless …….. I used to not be able to believe the audacity of this guy.. to not be a father..to not be in his child’s lives.. but .. my kids do not understand.. So I have this fear in my mind..that instead of remembering.. the good things about his 7th birthday..that my son will always remember his dad left him in the dust.. again..... :( ...................

But on the bright side.. I decided to throw a party for his little friends and get him a nice gift .. I am hoping I can salvage this day for my sweet boy... and I know in my heart..that my ex..is the one losing out.. It just hurts me …..to see my little boy like this and this so called "man" he is supposed to look up too......have no feeling for him.