This year is about to over and i have been rewinding myself and I actually feel pretty darn good about life. Things aren't exactly the way I want them, but then i realise that For me, this winter has been much better. There have been a lot of bad news all around me, including finding that my grandmother has breast cancer and i am helpless cant do much abt it, she is going away...........I do get really lonely being a single woman,So yeah, sometimes I got sad and lonelyBut health-wise, night and days from my winter last year, Tanush's health.. still i am better off.
I was not able to spent a lot of time with my son and granny. I know, it might sound crazy but i thought of not working for a while and give my son and granny some time, they are bored big time and my son feel left out.Thought of sending him to a boarding school too,but he is super cute and the way he has expressed himself abt going to boarding school has taken me aback.He really seemed to enjoy the one on one time with me on weekends and dont want me to go to work or leaving him alone in boarding school.
I have always felt like something has always been missing from my life. Some people might argue that I am not missing something.... but I have always felt like this one person should be. I have never met this person and never know if ever i will...
Then there is work. I have been so overwhelmingly busy at work the past several months. The last thing I want to do when I get home is spend a lot of time with family.Work has been crazy busy BUT in a good way!.
I swear to God, I am trying to have a life full of the fun, bang, happiness but it's a sunday night and well, here I am, writing at my laptop
Have gone through Ups and downs of life....and seen almost all the seasons in this journey to the edge of Life. Still waiting for love of my life.............
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Saturday, October 22, 2011
PTM - 22 October
Like any other PTM i have faced another PTM today....Me and my son every time we go for PTM ,always faces same kind of questions...why are we alone
why his dad didn’t turned up...he should take offs from job for at least PTM.....its imp to have both parents involvements and so on and so forth...people just keep asking without realizing anything and i being with my son around...unable to give them a shut up call... and either i keep listening or keep giving some or other kind of excuses. His annual day is there people said tell him to attend that at least and to take out some time for his own kid.... what am i supposed to do ...shout in public that he will never be there.....we are without him ...just leave us alone...i wish i could do that...
But why do i get upset about it every time...? i really don’t know...but such events takes me to my past and make me think abt everything all over again. I start wondering what kind of father he is ....why he can’t be there.......
I don’t know how do i deal with it, many more PTM's to come and SAD part is when u see your son making stories about why his father is not there.... really want to ask him at times...wht is there in his mind about him....what he feels , how he feels about being confronted by kids there parents and so on...... but don’t have that courage to do that.
how long i can avoid people like this...i dont know but i keep doing that.....just don’t want to be part of any public gathering.....
today there was a Diwali Mela in society...went downstairs to pick my son at 9.30 pm and half of the stalls were closed...still in that 5 mins appearance i have been asked so many questions ....same stories every time....
why it’s so hard for people to accept things which is happening in someone else’s life and they have nothing to do with it...still they are so much bothered.... so inquisitive, and feel happy doing that….
All this gossips and questions takes my sleep and peace away…and mind becomes so busy thinking about all this……you just don’t feel normal yourself………you have to make efforts to put mind at rest and sleep and forget the day and start another fresh day……
With a hope things will change some day!!!!
why his dad didn’t turned up...he should take offs from job for at least PTM.....its imp to have both parents involvements and so on and so forth...people just keep asking without realizing anything and i being with my son around...unable to give them a shut up call... and either i keep listening or keep giving some or other kind of excuses. His annual day is there people said tell him to attend that at least and to take out some time for his own kid.... what am i supposed to do ...shout in public that he will never be there.....we are without him ...just leave us alone...i wish i could do that...
But why do i get upset about it every time...? i really don’t know...but such events takes me to my past and make me think abt everything all over again. I start wondering what kind of father he is ....why he can’t be there.......
I don’t know how do i deal with it, many more PTM's to come and SAD part is when u see your son making stories about why his father is not there.... really want to ask him at times...wht is there in his mind about him....what he feels , how he feels about being confronted by kids there parents and so on...... but don’t have that courage to do that.
how long i can avoid people like this...i dont know but i keep doing that.....just don’t want to be part of any public gathering.....
today there was a Diwali Mela in society...went downstairs to pick my son at 9.30 pm and half of the stalls were closed...still in that 5 mins appearance i have been asked so many questions ....same stories every time....
why it’s so hard for people to accept things which is happening in someone else’s life and they have nothing to do with it...still they are so much bothered.... so inquisitive, and feel happy doing that….
All this gossips and questions takes my sleep and peace away…and mind becomes so busy thinking about all this……you just don’t feel normal yourself………you have to make efforts to put mind at rest and sleep and forget the day and start another fresh day……
With a hope things will change some day!!!!
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
7th Birthday
Its unfortunate that my sons dad did’t even call up on his another birthday. Should I be surprised but guess not? Should my son be upset? Heck yeah its his father. Its bad enough that he is not able to see him even once a year, so his father should certainly take the time away from his other family and work to be with his only son on his special day. Well that is what I think. Maybe I am wrong? My point is no matter what his father feels towards me he shouldn't deny his son.
It's hard isn't it? When you see your child so patiently waiting for "dad" to show up.He sits so still and never takes his eyes off the road and every phone bell that’s rings…he thinks its his call. What to say when dad doesn't show up? It can make you angry and sad to see your son try so hard to put on a brave face,when you know deep down inside he's hurt. .He is just 7 and soon enough he will figure out whether or not his dad is worth getting upset over.
I try very hard to bite my tongue and say nothing,but deep down inside all I want to is call him an "irresponsible, but I don't. This will only make me feel better for a short time while it stings my son for a long time.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
October 11
I had a kind of weird day today......have have gone through various Octobers of my life....year by year October’s were passing my mind..and October happens to be Birthday month for my son as well as his father. But when i look back and looking at current month i.e October...i realise that there is something wrong with this months and my life……things were relatively tough, indecisiveness, gloominess comes in.Things never go as it was planned...Every year i plan to celebrate my son's birthday at it best and every year we end up not doing much.......
Tuesday is my baby boy's 7th birthday.. The sweetest brightest kid you could ever meet.:)
He is sick from last two days and guess going through lot of emotions....i can see him thinking and at last He asked me all day today..wonder what I am going to get from daddy…….. will he come on my B’day ……his friends were asking him what he is going to get from his father… so he said he had to answer them as well.This year he is able to understand things more clearly and me knowing..that his dad will get him nothing..hasnt seen him in 1year, he was never there from his first birthday but i filled that space by getting him something all these years on his behalf but today just says..honey dont get your hopes up). My son looks at me as if this is my fault somehow.. his little heart is broken once again by this heartless …….. I used to not be able to believe the audacity of this guy.. to not be a father..to not be in his child’s lives.. but .. my kids do not understand.. So I have this fear in my mind..that instead of remembering.. the good things about his 7th birthday..that my son will always remember his dad left him in the dust.. again..... :( ...................
But on the bright side.. I decided to throw a party for his little friends and get him a nice gift .. I am hoping I can salvage this day for my sweet boy... and I know in my heart..that my ex..is the one losing out.. It just hurts me …..to see my little boy like this and this so called "man" he is supposed to look up too......have no feeling for him.
Tuesday is my baby boy's 7th birthday.. The sweetest brightest kid you could ever meet.:)
He is sick from last two days and guess going through lot of emotions....i can see him thinking and at last He asked me all day today..wonder what I am going to get from daddy…….. will he come on my B’day ……his friends were asking him what he is going to get from his father… so he said he had to answer them as well.This year he is able to understand things more clearly and me knowing..that his dad will get him nothing..hasnt seen him in 1year, he was never there from his first birthday but i filled that space by getting him something all these years on his behalf but today just says..honey dont get your hopes up). My son looks at me as if this is my fault somehow.. his little heart is broken once again by this heartless …….. I used to not be able to believe the audacity of this guy.. to not be a father..to not be in his child’s lives.. but .. my kids do not understand.. So I have this fear in my mind..that instead of remembering.. the good things about his 7th birthday..that my son will always remember his dad left him in the dust.. again..... :( ...................
But on the bright side.. I decided to throw a party for his little friends and get him a nice gift .. I am hoping I can salvage this day for my sweet boy... and I know in my heart..that my ex..is the one losing out.. It just hurts me …..to see my little boy like this and this so called "man" he is supposed to look up too......have no feeling for him.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Night
In the still of night when I am at peace.
Alone though with My love that cannot be.
Only but for few moments
Though not enough in time With my love.
I spend the nights alone
Dreaming of the love
That cannot be.
Not because the love
Does not love me.
As the moments pass
My love fades
Bidding me A good night.
Alone in my solitude
Dreaming of the love
That cannot be.
Wishing for the love
That cannot be held
By moon light.
My tears not to be seen
Falling silently for the love
I'll never hold at night
Because it cannot be
Alone though with My love that cannot be.
Only but for few moments
Though not enough in time With my love.
I spend the nights alone
Dreaming of the love
That cannot be.
Not because the love
Does not love me.
As the moments pass
My love fades
Bidding me A good night.
Alone in my solitude
Dreaming of the love
That cannot be.
Wishing for the love
That cannot be held
By moon light.
My tears not to be seen
Falling silently for the love
I'll never hold at night
Because it cannot be
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Lonliness
"Koi Ye kaise bataye kee voo tanhaa kuu hain
Vo jo apnaa thaa kabhee vo aur kisse kaa kuu hain"
I am going through this thought process and finding it so much difficult to accept things.
At times things happens for no reasons and sometimes for some foreseen reasons or you realise the reasons for that particular situation. At times you blame yourself and sometimes to the other person....and this is how you make yourself understand.
But what one should do...when no reasons exits....you failed to understand what went wrong...what you should remember and what you should forget.....Self introspection or anything else nothing helps…..you just keep going through various thoughts and you’re your past just revolves around.
Now a days with all the updated technologies.....its hard to get away with things....
you come across some or other things which upsets you....you know from within that you have nothing to do with it...but somewhere deep in heart it hurts...and make you think of unwanted things....all the things which you have set aside comes forward....and you get in to a different world....a world which was real for a while and...which now seems so unrealistic. You couldn’t believe yourself....things have changed so fast and gone so far from where there is No U turn.
How one feels about replacement in relationship when you find someone else right there where you were there till sometime back . When you felt on top of the world being there and then you realized you have been replaced with someone else……
“Rehty kabhee jinkey dil mein hum jaan sey bhee payaro ke tarah
Bethy hain unhee key kuchey mein hum gunahgharo kee tarah”
Vo jo apnaa thaa kabhee vo aur kisse kaa kuu hain"
I am going through this thought process and finding it so much difficult to accept things.
At times things happens for no reasons and sometimes for some foreseen reasons or you realise the reasons for that particular situation. At times you blame yourself and sometimes to the other person....and this is how you make yourself understand.
But what one should do...when no reasons exits....you failed to understand what went wrong...what you should remember and what you should forget.....Self introspection or anything else nothing helps…..you just keep going through various thoughts and you’re your past just revolves around.
Now a days with all the updated technologies.....its hard to get away with things....
you come across some or other things which upsets you....you know from within that you have nothing to do with it...but somewhere deep in heart it hurts...and make you think of unwanted things....all the things which you have set aside comes forward....and you get in to a different world....a world which was real for a while and...which now seems so unrealistic. You couldn’t believe yourself....things have changed so fast and gone so far from where there is No U turn.
How one feels about replacement in relationship when you find someone else right there where you were there till sometime back . When you felt on top of the world being there and then you realized you have been replaced with someone else……
“Rehty kabhee jinkey dil mein hum jaan sey bhee payaro ke tarah
Bethy hain unhee key kuchey mein hum gunahgharo kee tarah”
Saturday, October 1, 2011
June - Sept 11
Last Four months were pretty hectic and i have come across some wonderful and not so wonderful people but learnt something or other thing from each one of them.
These three months were full of sorrows , grief’s, momentarily happiness, sense of achievement, sense of failure, overwhelming days and nights, to many things at the same time, and a lot more to it.
There were moments when i felt that wish i had that someone right there who can just hold me tight and take me out of that same thought which were again and again coming from the centre at great speed such that it overtakes everything else, also suppressing every other possible thought.
There were moments when i felt i am better off alone, at least I am responsible for whatever I do, no blame games, no problems...it’s just me who can make it good or worse.
Life has taken me from one place to other and took the complete U turn, leaving me behind wondering now what is next………..
My decisions, my plans, my thoughts, everything were changing almost on daily basis….. they l call it as living day by day…nothing as per plans were moving…….
Every day you dig a well and have water………………… after that start thinking of food and so on……..
Every year in beginning I plan and tell myself this year we will celebrate my son’s birthday in a grand way…..but every year some or other thing happens…and we end up doing nothing.
But irrespective of all odds I have decided to celebrate his Birthday…….wished things were better than the way it is now……but then I think it could have been other way round too…things could have been worse then what is today… so decided to go with the wind…..
“Apnee marjee sey kaha apny safar key hum hain…
Ruukh hawaoo kaa jidhar kaa udhar key hum hain”
These three months were full of sorrows , grief’s, momentarily happiness, sense of achievement, sense of failure, overwhelming days and nights, to many things at the same time, and a lot more to it.
There were moments when i felt that wish i had that someone right there who can just hold me tight and take me out of that same thought which were again and again coming from the centre at great speed such that it overtakes everything else, also suppressing every other possible thought.
There were moments when i felt i am better off alone, at least I am responsible for whatever I do, no blame games, no problems...it’s just me who can make it good or worse.
Life has taken me from one place to other and took the complete U turn, leaving me behind wondering now what is next………..
My decisions, my plans, my thoughts, everything were changing almost on daily basis….. they l call it as living day by day…nothing as per plans were moving…….
Every day you dig a well and have water………………… after that start thinking of food and so on……..
Every year in beginning I plan and tell myself this year we will celebrate my son’s birthday in a grand way…..but every year some or other thing happens…and we end up doing nothing.
But irrespective of all odds I have decided to celebrate his Birthday…….wished things were better than the way it is now……but then I think it could have been other way round too…things could have been worse then what is today… so decided to go with the wind…..
“Apnee marjee sey kaha apny safar key hum hain…
Ruukh hawaoo kaa jidhar kaa udhar key hum hain”
Soul
"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be,
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance,
I have not winced nor cried aloud:
Under the bludgeoning of chance my head is bloody but unbowed . . . . .
It matters not how strait the gait, how charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul."
(WE Henley, 1849-1903, from‘ Invictus')
"A life spent in making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing." (George Bernard Shaw, 1856-1950.)
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be,
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance,
I have not winced nor cried aloud:
Under the bludgeoning of chance my head is bloody but unbowed . . . . .
It matters not how strait the gait, how charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul."
(WE Henley, 1849-1903, from‘ Invictus')
"A life spent in making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing." (George Bernard Shaw, 1856-1950.)
Someone somewhere
At times life becomes so clueless, all of sudden you feel so alone ,helpless and most deprived person on this earth, nothing seems bigger than your own problems.
you are just not able to think rationally and forget about all the good things you have got in life and mind and heart goes out for things which we don’t posses or things which are not in our hand, sense of sadness, helplessness and frustrations starts taking space and in turn you lose your general sense of happiness and you start cribbing about small issues in life.
There are times when you wish to have someone who can be just there for you without being judgmental...what went wrong ,when, how , who were at fault. You just wish for that one person in life who can hear you, be there for you, when you feel low and down you should be able to express anything without any inhibition.
But then you realise when such moments creeps in, that you have nobody who can understand the situation and can relate with it.
You feel so unfortunate after having couple of friends and so called acquaintance that you just can’t talk about anything to anyone.
And you feel that very moment
"Koi hota jiskoo apna hum apna keh lety yaroo
Pass nahee to dur hee hota lekin koi mera apna"
When things starts going in the wrong direction, it seems it goes wrong in all the direction, nowhere you are able to find that brightness which comes after every dark night.
But times doesn’t stop for anything when after a long and gloomy night dawn comes....you again start your daily life leaving things behind and again you start hoping may be things will be okay some day...and life goes on like this.
“Har Taraf Har jagah beshumar aadmi,
Fir bhee tanhaiyo kaa shikar aadmi”
Then times comes when you get over with it and then you again starts thinking and realise that those were so small issues
and problems and you have spent your valuable time for something which was never yours, things which were never meant to be for you......
you are just not able to think rationally and forget about all the good things you have got in life and mind and heart goes out for things which we don’t posses or things which are not in our hand, sense of sadness, helplessness and frustrations starts taking space and in turn you lose your general sense of happiness and you start cribbing about small issues in life.
There are times when you wish to have someone who can be just there for you without being judgmental...what went wrong ,when, how , who were at fault. You just wish for that one person in life who can hear you, be there for you, when you feel low and down you should be able to express anything without any inhibition.
But then you realise when such moments creeps in, that you have nobody who can understand the situation and can relate with it.
You feel so unfortunate after having couple of friends and so called acquaintance that you just can’t talk about anything to anyone.
And you feel that very moment
"Koi hota jiskoo apna hum apna keh lety yaroo
Pass nahee to dur hee hota lekin koi mera apna"
When things starts going in the wrong direction, it seems it goes wrong in all the direction, nowhere you are able to find that brightness which comes after every dark night.
But times doesn’t stop for anything when after a long and gloomy night dawn comes....you again start your daily life leaving things behind and again you start hoping may be things will be okay some day...and life goes on like this.
“Har Taraf Har jagah beshumar aadmi,
Fir bhee tanhaiyo kaa shikar aadmi”
Then times comes when you get over with it and then you again starts thinking and realise that those were so small issues
and problems and you have spent your valuable time for something which was never yours, things which were never meant to be for you......
Friday, June 24, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
SMS Judgments!
Today I had a kind of bad day………to start with….
I was driving and was about to take a U turn at the crossroad…and suddenly light changed and I stopped there…waiting for other side to move….and then again my turn came..And as soon as I started there was a truck coming with high speed...so I took a break and half of the truck passes and then my car got a Hit…fortunately …just a number plate breakage and a dent on the front side….i got down from the car and so did the driver…and stated saying sorry and all its just a minor touch and all..Lot of traffic got stuck in the mean time…so I decided to move on then arguing and jamming the traffic for no reason…..
But I was very upset and did not had any choice, so i started driving back as I had to rush for my office for a important meeting…..I was late by 2 minuts so I decided to just enter in the meetings….left my purse and all with office boy…..
After three hrs when I came out of meeting…..I decided to check my phone… and couple of missed call was there….so I decided to return the call before I do something else and get busy with work…
I have been sick for a while and hence lot of work has piled up...I was trying to return someone’s call…and this person didn’t pick up the phone..I thought maybe he is busy in a meeting..since he called me 7 times( I checked the timings it was just at that point of time when I was out of car and checking dents and talking to that driver…) I tried calling him up again and again till eve ,in the end he picked up my phone for a sec and disconnected…. Thought may be connection problem so I called up again and he didn’t answered so I just sent him an sms saying you are strange u picked up my phone and didn’t answered and now you are not picking up what’s wrong………
In return I have got a reply which says I am very insensitive..And he would not like to talk to me…….
And I thought maybe he is angry to I sent him a sms back that due to some reasons I wasn’t able to pick my phone, but as soon as I came to know I tried returning your call and u were not picking up…..and since then I am trying till now…
But I never got a reply back……still I tried calling…but no response…
Then I started thinking am I insensitive….or people are who cannot think rationally are insensitive…is this a big issues to make…if I don’t take someone’s call…or reply sms on email on time….I may be going through things… but before getting angry and giving judgments did u really tried to know what was wrong with me…why I didn’t took the call…and so on…
And today’s episode took me a little back also..when my day was going bad in the office…one of my friend died and one of my colleague has resigned…and lot of office pressure…and unnecessary pressure was on me…and someone was trying to communicate with me… till lunch I was very upset but was able to communicate…in which I mentioned about office day and whatever was going on and I said I am feeling like resigning today…and couple of other things……still this person kept sending me messages….and I didn’t replied in between…and then I got a SMS asking me what wrong with me…and I said I am just upset at the moment…and then I went off for a meeting I came out in eve and before getting in the car I checked my phone… an d there was a sms asking me are you upset with me…. And I replied….you already know that why I am upset and I started driving back home….. there was some sms to that reply……so in reply I just replied back that at times people don’t think rationally…and I should have given a proper reply and shouldn’t mix personal and professional life…but I just did that…..
Now I was talking about myself that I was angry and in bad mood in office and didnt respond back properly…
But this sms has blew our friendship and that person felt offended and he didn’t hear me after that …I kept telling him that I am talking about myself…but he felt I am talking about him and he felt offended……
Well I tried my best for couple of days..In convincing him that u should listen to me once..Before saying n number of things to me or calling me insensitive…and what not……but didn’t work……
Why I am talking about these two episodes is because again today’s episode after the previous one….left me thinking that………
IS THAT ME WHO IS INSENSETIVE…….OR PEOPLE ARE WHO DIDT EVEN HEAR ME OUT FOR ONCE OF TRIED TO KNOW WHAT PROBLEMS I WAS IN…..OR WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH.
I don’t want to judge anyone here….but all I could make out of all this is ….tolerance power has gone somewhere… now a days if things are not moving as you desired..simplest way is to kick out…….that too on SMS…..don’t even have patience to hear them out…or giving a second thought….
How mechanical life has become……. Compromise, patience tolerance,Understannding..Forgiveness, emotions….sense of responsibility…… all these words have lost there meanings….
Now a days if things are not my way…..u better get lost…..no one will bother about it.
End of the Day it hurts me....that for no solid reasons...something came to an end.......
But Life must Go on..... so guys i will miss you!!!!
Before ending this I must mention about somebody...who is there and aware of that i am not going through a very positive phase of life... and gives me all the space...and ear
I am bit of moody these days...guess i am sick and not feeling so good in general... so at times i reply to emails and at times i dont ...
but i want to thank him for all the patience......and for being there...
Thank you So much!!!! It means a lot to me......:)
Fathers Day!!!
Today my son got up and wished me a happy father’s Day!!! ...and i didn’t knew how to react on it , I was surprised...still i tried to control my emotions and said Thanks to him.... and hugged him.
After sometime i just asked him...why did u wish me father’s day and he said since he is not around i thought i should wish you.......i was amused with this gesture and didn’t know how to react.
My child resembles
his father, his looks, his nails, hands, legs, feet, the way he eat sleep stands, walk, talk, liking ,disliking.....and what not... ...He is just like him,I get emotional sometimes just seeing his face, at times while he is sleeping eating ...and all his day to day activities...brings tears to my eyes....
At times i feel i am living with my ex in the form of my son..... but i have lot of love for him then my ex...guess that’s the reasons irrespective of all odds all these years i was unable to hate him...and get him off my life...virtually he still exits somewhere in our life....
I am sure he doesn’t miss us or think about us......but at the same time i was thinking....that he might be thinking of his son on this day....previously when no one knew what mother’s day or father’s day is all about...we never knew that...i came to know about valentine’s day when i was in college...and after that so many days came up......
But now a days with so much of publicity around about all these days...and its everywhere be it news or radio channel or hoardings...so i was wondering what he might be thinking about. He is missing him at least today...when all these news channels are filled with all these news...and market has special offers and so on...or like all these years..it doesn’t matter to him....this was the first time when my son came to know about this day...he gave me a card on mother’s Day....
Guess he is very unfortunate...that he is blessed with a son...and still gives damm to it...
And he often comes in our some or other discussion... and cross our minds.... when my son wants to know why he is not with US?....What kind of Job he does ..Which doesn’t allow him to take leaves and stay with us...?
How come other dad's are able to come back home in the evening... why not mine...why we are not going out on a vacation at a p lace where he lives... and so many Why .why, why?....... and it all goes unanswered...maybe he started understanding off late...so frequency of questions have gone down...but i just keep thinking...is this all is leaving a negative impact on his mind?
Do i have to do something about It????
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Ajnabee
Jissey chaha tha hamny
apnee jindagee sey bhe jayada
Kabhee hamny socha na thaa
kee unkey bina bhee jina hoga
vo he ek din yuun millengy humsy
jaise hoo ek ajnabee kee tarah
humny unkoo har jagah dhoonda karty they
par jab vo milly ek ajnabee kee tarah
jab unsy hamara samnaa huaa,
har ek manjar,har vo jagah sey bhee samnaa hua,
vo jasbaat,vo yadein joo dil mein chupee rakhee thee,
aaj unkaa bhee fir sey samnaa huaa
voo muskurahat, voo hasi,bhee naa thee kaheen
Jo kabhee dekh kar aa jatee thee is surat par
aaj dekha too sivaye aassuo ke kuch na thaa
aur unkey rukh par ajnabee pan key siva kuch naa thaa
Tears & Love
Kitna haseen hain ye rishta
Aassuo aur mohabbat ka
koi fasla nahee assuo or mohabbat ke beech
Wo kal bhee chalakty they jab unka didar na hota thaa
Wo aaj bhee chalakty hain jab unka didar hotaa hain
Ye mohabbat bhee kitnee ajeeb cheez hotee hain
Aur aasson sey unka ye attut sa rishta
Vo mil jaye to kushee ke marey assu chalak jaty hain
Vo bichad jaye to assu ruk hee nahin paty hain
Mohabbat aur aassun ka choli daman ka saath hota hain
Halat kaise bhee hoo inka saath hamesha rehta hain
Kassh hamara or mohaabat ka rishta bhee aisa hota
Sab kuch mitny ke baad vo atut hee rehtaa
Par aisa hoo naa saka
Unka Samna
Aaj fir usnsy samna ho gaya
Naa chaty huye bhee unka didar ho gaya
Mudattao pehley jinkey didar ke liye tarasty they hum
Aaj unhee ke didar naa ho jaye
Ye soach kar bhee darty hain hum
kabhee jinky saath jeenaa chaty they hum
aaj wahee dikh jaye to mar sey jaty hain hum
Naa chaty huye bhee unka didar ho gaya
Mudattao pehley jinkey didar ke liye tarasty they hum
Aaj unhee ke didar naa ho jaye
Ye soach kar bhee darty hain hum
kabhee jinky saath jeenaa chaty they hum
aaj wahee dikh jaye to mar sey jaty hain hum
HOPE
Somehow these days I am feeling overwhelmed about life in General……
After a broken relationship few years ago in which I was totally in love with my ex, but our relationship ended. I thought I have healed and moved on being a mom of a baby boy and working mother life was pretty busy all these years, still emptiness was there, I was acting very strong and took life positively still there were nights when I used to feel that is no end to what I am going through, I have cried for no obvious reasons there was a pain and sorrows which was building in over the period of years…there was nobody around who could have understood..what I go through…being a single mom and working mother wasn’t easy all these years….specially when u have no one else with you……
Even after moving on with the life the way it’s going and you want to get over with things and past people don’t let you forget and get over… specially in our society…where Divorce being a single mom and unmarried after a certain age, is a big taboo and whole community will be concerned about it for no reasons. Constant questions about your past why, how, when, why not comes up again and again, and eventually you end up being social and friendly…you get in to shell and feel safe and secure in your own territory…you start hating being out and questioned for no reasons….and worst part is when u need someone most to be with you…..you see no one around not the so called society or anyone else who were so so concerned about you private life.
but I guessEmotionally I am over with him…it’s just off and on he crosses my mind for some or other reasons…off course not for gud… but that puts me off for a while and spoils my mood
I do get thoughts from time to timeto be in a relationship again of wishing that I could find my prince charming, but at times it just seems a lot easier and less stressful to do it alone, raising my son and running life the way it is. Don’t know if this Is this normal?
At one point of time I felt absolutely certain I could love somone again. I tried to forget. I felt that I could conquer the past. But I couldn’t. And something was missing. The trust? The love ? I wasn’t sure, In the beginning itself I was having nightmares about breaking up and someone just telling me this just wasn’t working... But felt bad about that someone too who keeps thinking whats wrong or why I am behaving the way I am it’s hard to put in words at times the person go though, and one just can’t explain it to others.
I have not lost faith in relationships or recovering broken relationship. There is still a hope, I just wasn’t strong enough to overcome the past or will have to have a strong foundation to build a new castle ……………
Waiting for that Some one special who can take me out of it and make this life more worthwhile and wonderful…..
Still I am hopeful
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